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A Few of Peter's
Ditt's
St. Peter
A man appeared
before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon
a gang
of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I
approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him on
the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw
it on
the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to
me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in
the
morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."
Oh how we wonder
what
As we age, our priorities change...
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only
in very
sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.......
Patient Care
Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing
home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the
long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic,
the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually
joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Cooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched "STOP!" he
shouted in
a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished
around in her handbag
and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you
got
proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink
coaster
and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,
Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked,
holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
Oh, good grief," said Ethel,
"Not the breathalyser again!"
Sweetness
This happened
during a biology lecture at a major Australian University. A
professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A
young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you
correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as
in sugar? "The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct", adding
some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the
girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned
silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned
bright red as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said.
She picked up her books and, without another word, began to walk
out. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's
reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered
her question: "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for
sweetness
are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."
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